Tuesday, September 28, 2010

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

I feel it is my duty from one blogger to another to inform you that at this present juncture, I am freeballin' it.

From Urban Dictionary:

2.freeballing239 up19 down

Going without undershorts, said of a male, so called because his balls hang free and unencumbered. 

"A lot of guys like to freeball in the summer, but I prefer jockey shorts, to give my balls a little support, since otherwise they hang too low in the heat."

Also see: going commando.

Is it racist of me to assume people's ethnicities based on their names? I applied for a few jobs today, and at one of these fine establishments, I was asked to "wait a few minutes for my manager, Shawntelle (read: I do not know if that is actually how she spells it; it could be Shontel or TschaughntelleeƟ for all I know). What I do know is how he pronounced it, and exactly what I expected my possible future manager to look like.

I'm about to go caption crazy here, hold on to your potatoes.
Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing.
All it took was one quick Google search of "Shaniqua". Seriously.
Ignore the police star, I'm sure she's an upstanding citizen.
Tss. You BETTA ha' doz TPS repowts done.

Twenty minutes later and racism be damned, guess who walked into the store!?



Wait for it



Maybe I should have saved one of those captions.

Is it just me, or do cornrows seem painful to have? Not really Shaniqua's, but the tighter ones that looks like a motocross track for a Pygmy Jerboa. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but:

Not even hating on her, I just think it looks painful.

Anyway, here's to hoping that I get a job soon. I'm going to need it. Moving on, I think it's time I introduced you fine folks to America's finest news source. Since 1756, The Onion News Network has been delivering the news to the people with searing honesty and passion. Take the time to view this informative news report, and you'll know why it is considered America's Finest News Source

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

News at its finest.


And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Alexi Murdoch. Goodnight folks!

Emergency edit:
Many of you might be wondering what a Pygmy Jerboa is.

Phew. God knows what would have happened if I hadn't gotten this information to you.

It's pretty unsettling that I took the time to think of a specific fauna that would proportionally be able to motocross on a cornrow'd head. It still might be too big.


  1. Stellar update! I love girls with cornrows, and I'm told they are pretty painful at first. When you take them out too, apparently. Loving the blog mate, your really putting alot into it.


  2. I knew someone who had a massive microbraid weave and she said it gave her headaches and she had to sleep a certain way on it.

  3. Oh fuck you! I was reading and commenting in the time for that edit. I almost missed the pygmy!

    Don't deny me my Jerboas

  4. i often wonder how long that kind of hair takes to style and how often one has to do it. must be a pain if it messes up.

  5. so much time spent on a hairstyle that looks bad, seems odd to me

  6. LOL Dude, I must admit... I completely love your rambling and your blog is one of the few that really gets me laughing !!

  7. Fuck ye freeballin' all summer long!

  8. lol @ penny arcade

    going commando all summer! awesome! feelsgoodman

  9. from the title i thought you were going to talk about the rap album.

  10. I love this blog so much. (:

    ((Return the love<3))

  11. I had cornrows done in my hair once...yes...they hurt like a bitch

  12. Urrr cornrows look disgusting imo and i dont think its racist to guess ethnicity based on name Its just that african americans take everything as racist -.-
    also im freeballin =D
    cya mate

  13. This blog makes a brain so full of fuck... I love it!